A TWENTY-SOMETHING OUT-OF-WORK ACTOR "Good morning, reservations; could you hold please?"

A LOW LEVEL MOBSTER "I wanted to see if the waiters could sing our favorite song at the table . . . The Lady is a Tramp."

SAM'S AGENT'S ASSISTANT "She's . . . in a meeting. Is there something I can help you with?"

A WORLD CLASS NARCISSIST "Yeah, well maybe she should have thought of that when she wrote that s#*t about my bouillabaisse!"

THE ULTIMATE RESTAURANT REGULAR "All right you little snot, put me in the first slot on the V.I.P priority waiting list. Party of six."

A MYSTERIOUS STRANGER "So, what'll it cost me?"

A RETIRED AUTO MECHANIC FROM THE MIDWEST. "How'd ya do on that play audition?"

A SENIOR CITIZEN WITH A CONSTANT SENSE THAT THE WORLD IS CHEATING HER "The maitre d' insisted that he would take care of us, and when the bill came he charged us for everything!"

THE FRENCH MAITRE D' "She's so ugly, Sam, you can't believe it. She has a face like a catfish."

A BITTER WORKAHOLIC "Well, it has to be one of those three weekends; those are the only times Sherry'll be in town."

A REAL SMOOTH OPERATOR "Sam. Sammy. The Samster. Whaddaya have for me this weekend?"

"When would you like to come in?"